Thinking back

It’s been quite a while since the last time I’ve done any gear, nearly a year now! After all this time, I still think on the hows and whys I’ve got where I was… What makes someone knowingly head down a path that leads to self-destruction?

Mostly everyone knows and has at least once mocked junkies, so we know what lies ahead. Did I think I was gonna be the one that only used drugs occasionally, escaping the addiction? Or did I have a hidden desire of dragging myself on the lower level of society?

Once I’ve noticed how I wasn’t coping well without doing gear, why didn’t I just walked away? Even after this long, all these questions still go through my head. It doesn’t matter anymore, yet every other night I find my mind wondering around while trying to fall asleep.

The way I was, my values, my conscience… And who I became, passing through all I’ve done when I had a need to sustain.

There was a certain glamour, though. A secret feeling, incomprehensible pride about the preparation, the folding of the foil… I was having an affair – not with a person but still an affair, though – that no one but my best friend could know about. Mrs. Brown was my lover and I was doing anything to keep our love, spending all my money, keeping everyone away from me apart from anyone I could benefit from knowing – dealers, other users

I also think about all I have done and how I would never do it if it wasn’t for the drugs… All in all I am just happy that all those have stayed behind and I was able to escape that dark world. It isn’t the end, though and every day is a new fight against old habits and searching for the easy way out whenever some bad situation crosses my way. That, however, is something I will write about any other day…

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