Relapses, relapses…

Life is most certainly built of ups and downs and lately, mine has been lower than ever, since finishing treatment!

Around November last year I relapsed. Don’t ask me why, because not even I know that. Since then it has been a struggle, on and off this bastard brown powder!

Why, oh why do I keep coming back to it, after nearly 3 years off it?! Why do I keep coming back to this powder that not only kills me but also my family?

Every single time I fall back, I see the pain, the sorrow in my wife’s eyes! With each relapse another little bit dies inside her. The love, the trust, the respect for everything I’ve managed to achieve? Those are long gone, alongside any shred of worry for whatever I went through, the first time.

I chose to go back. I chose to drive those 30 minutes to reach my old dealer, day after day. I chose to spend that money we didn’t really have, that money we so desperately needed to pay the overdue bills, that money we could have used to treat our 15 year old daughter… I chose to spend that on heroin.

Money I could have used to buy her a Christmas present. Money I could have used to buy her a birthday present in January. I didn’t – what kind of “man” am I?!

I am and, apparently, always will be an addict. When I think I am safe, I drop my guard and fall face first. Lie, cheat, steal and deceive – whatever is needed to get those £20 “so desperately needed”.

This is the last time, I keep telling myself. Yet as soon as that last brown goo burns, leaving nothing but a desire for more, I know how wrong I was but nothing else matters while your brain is in between this haze…

Some days I do seriously wonder if I will ever set totally free from this world?…